Thursday, May 22, 2014

Chicken Zombies

I'm not into zombies... but recently I thought I heard a story about Chicken Zombies.  I was somewhat amused, as I imagined that this must be about zombies who eat chickens.  I, myself, eat a lot of chicken, and I was a bit worried that one of my favorite foods might quickly be in short supply.

So I decided to investigate .. and upon investigation, I discovered that there was indeed a current news story about a government report that mentioned chicken zombies.   I'm sure by now you've heard the story I'm talking about --  the government  (the US  government, to be clear) has developed a plan called CONPLAN-8888-11 which provides for "counter dominance zombie operations".  Within the report, this plan is described as one that establishes a strategy to "preserve "non-zombie humans" from the threats posed by a zombie horde".

Now -- I have no problem accepting the notion that the government did this purely as a planning exercise and that our government does not truly believe we are at risk of being attacked by zombie hordes.  In fact, if you read the plan you will see that it states that the basic premise of a zombie attack is 'ridiculous', and the plan is purely fictional... the plan is an attempt to take what could be a necessary, but rather dry subject (a strategy in the event of an attack), and make it entertaining.

I've now read Conplan-8888-11, and indeed, it does have many entertaining bits and pieces, including the breakdown of zombies into 8 different classes - one of which is Evil Magic Zombies, as well as the warning that each human casualty will make the zombie forces stronger, as each casualty turns into a zombie  (well duh!  everyone knows that!).

But I have to tell you boys and girls, Conplan-8888-11 is NOT all fun and games.  Hidden in the middle of the report as the last class of zombies, is the (now) dreaded Chicken Zombies.  The report states "Although it sounds ridiculous, this is actually the only proven class of zombie that actually exists."

Yeah, right.  This is more of the hyperbole that appears throughout the report.  At least that's what I assumed.  Sadly, I was quite mistaken.

The plan goes on to refer to a document describing Chicken Zombies... a document that appeared online over 7 years ago.  WHAT???  Chicken zombies have been around for over 7 years and I'm just now hearing about it?  But wait... I can't find that online document.  Hmmm... must still be part of the joke.

But it's not a joke, my friends.

Apparently, it's a common practice to euthanize old hens that can no longer lay eggs. (yuk)  This is accomplished by gassing the chickens with carbon monoxide. (double yuk)  The apparently-dead, gassed hens are put into large piles to decompose. (triple yuk)  EXCEPT that certain hens are only apparently dead, they're not truly dead.. and after they revive from their gassing, they dig themselves out from the piles of dead chickens, and STAGGER ABOUT.  (quadruple YUK!)  However, these zombie chickens, or chicken zombies, or whatever.. have indeed been gassed, and after a period of time, they do become truly dead.  (thank goodness)
And this practice of euthanizing birds with carbon monoxide is apparently an accepted practice in other countries as well as ours, and is even considered humane.

Well.  This is a lot to think about.  This might take two, or even three cups of tea.  I'm really disturbed by this.  What people are referring to as Chicken Zombies, are actually Zombie Chickens.  I might have to reconsider my dietary preferences.  Fortunately, we're having fish for dinner tonight.  And maybe tomorrow night.  And perhaps the next night as well.


  1. Kentucky Fried Zombie. Zombie Pot Pie. Zombie Fricassee. Popeye's Louisiana Zombie. McZombie Combo. Zombie Alfredo.
    Yeah...none of it sounds too appetizing.

  2. I'm certainly glad you decided to share that with us. I think that will make tonight a 2 Tylenol PM capsule night!

  3. Despite my aversion to dance floors, I had suggested to 'er indoors that we could take a zumba class together - hoping it would improve her fitness. Now I come to think of it, the pictures did seem to be of people with their arms held out, parallel to the floor and they didn't seem to be moving that much. Do you think I might have misunderstood what this class is about? Weren't any chickens in the picture though.